Well it’s not a good one

I really didn’t think that the fact that that I can’t visibly sight any stars out of my window would get to me this much. After what has happened as of recent, I sort of needed a wish. 

I make it sound like I got hit by a car or something but quite frankly I really worryingly like the idea of that. Alas, here comes the list of things that are wrong so that I get to feel like I’m not bottling them all up inside of me. 

First of all, because the first two weren’t bad enough, I somehow managed to miss my maths exam which was today, A Level S1 if you were curious. It wasn’t on purpose but it sure is making me feel like shit with how much it is my fault. Like, fuck. I might have to stay in college for a third year which screws over being able to go to University with people I know. For a brief moment I thought everything seemed fairly planned out and I could go somewhere my best friend was going to go and now I feel like I’ve cocked that all up. God I want to go to university after 2 years of college and not 3. It might actually kill me. 

I’ve really fucked up with a person and yet they may not see it but I sure do because it’s starting to get at me and I feel like I have no way of breathing. 

My family all think I’m a joke because of my exam, and the more painful reason of because I fucked up with a friend and they can’t let it go. This has just led to me realising shit that makes things worse for me as I realise how much more of a fucking failure I am. I honestly can’t handle these thoughts anymore because they’re all true and it just makes it hurt that much more. They’ll say I should do stuff jokingly or at least I think it’s jokingly and yet they really don’t understand how much I want to do those things but I just fucking can’t because life can’t be easy for me but I shouldn’t worry because writing about it on this blog because I have noone else to talk to right now is sure going to fix everything

Depression doesn’t help along with anxiety suicidal thoughts PTSD and a whole load of other worrying shite. 

I’ve been trying to do daily drawings again in my sketchbook but what a surprise that streak only lasted for 3 days because I saw something in Facebook so I just threw my book to the side and collapsed on my bed to write this. 

Still have no job. Still spend all my money. Literally get given money every week for free, and I just spend it in that same week no matter what because I just can’t fucking help it apparently and it’s never even on me so my parents just love pointing that out to me. 

I want to die. 

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie was quite good though to be honest so that’s nice.

The next number is 2668 by the way, putting it as the title felt like I wasn’t being creative. 
Thanks for reading 

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

You enter the door seemingly carved into the trees spine…

Hello?

Is anyone…? Um. Oh?

Is… is that? Oh, greetings! I wasn’t sure if you were actually here or not. Gosh, look how small you are, indeed. Oh no no! J don’t mean like that, of course… I mean in comparison to, well, everything! Just look around you; look outside; look up into the sky. Can’t you see? Don’t you get it? It’s not important anyway, noone ever really gets it. 

So tell me! How are you? We hardly speak nor see eachother anymore, granted that’s my fault… Well go on, tell me how you’ve been feeling recen- uh. That’s… You’re thinking of a problem aren’t you. You know, I really couldn’t give a toss. Not in a mean way, mind, just… You’re so bloody small! I hope to God you get that someday since its not like this ‘being this tiny thing in such a large universe’ concept is an incredibly commonly used anecdote or anything. I’m not surprised you don’t really care about it. Noone ever does at first. Well, the first few times you start having visions of your perfect future all because you feel as though your mind has been split open and filled with knowledge, but that never lasts more than an hour. You’ve just got to be feisty about it. Just stick your fingers up and yell “Fuck you problems!” 

Well, actually you probably shouldnt. There’s most likely people within earshot. And don’t be that smartass who is all “but people being within earshot is a problem which means I should do it. Muewww mueeewwww mueeeeeewwwwwwww”. You know what problems I’m talking about you tit. You’re hardlylistening to me because you wish you had a lollipop. Though, a lolly would be pretty dapper right around now. Would a lolly taste better if it had ketchup on it? Oh no no no why would I think of that, Jesus’s nipple tassels, that’s horrible! Now that’s a problem I can happily say ‘fuck off’ to. 

So anyway, what brings you here?

Oh. I’m all out of heroine, but I can throw in a free taster session of some cocaine if you buy this tin of cannabis.

2732

Try not to question the current title format I’ve been using. 

As of recent, I have attempted to be more active on twitter since this medium of communication has been more helpful to me as of recent since writing a blog over something stupidly small that I could fit into a tweet makes me feel more depressed if anything, in the aense that it is like I am wasting your time. 

Life right now is at possibly one of its lowest points for a magnitude of random irrational reasons. I’d rather not go over the obvious like college and depression in general, though some new things have arisen. My mother got scammed, her bank account temporarily frozen, meaning that she’s had to borrow my money on occasion. I myself have no money, or very little of it. Probably because I bought someone an easter egg that’s on my twitter I believe if you were somewhat curious, along with just buying needless crap like that I guess. So, when I can’t give my mother money because I’ve wasted it all, it’s all just ugh. I can’t even sleep properly since nightmares/nightterrors exist. Part of the reason I’m writing this is actually because I’m too scared to sleep. I’d explain the dream but it’s personal and I wouldn’t tell anyone, so sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had more than five hours sleep. Loads of people hate me once more, so thats always entertaining. I don’t even want the holidays to come because I have an uncanny ability to guess when I’m going to be most depressed, and I’ve not gotten it wrong yet. This Friday is going to be the worst, Saturday probably coming close. When I say the worst, I really mean the worst and im genuinely scared of certain days in the future because of this new found ability of being able to predict my emotions based on upcoming events. Graphics is in on Friday too, so everything is going to be amplified to be worse, along with my maths test and computing test this week. Already been set 20+ hours of homework for Easter,  and that’s just maths and I know I’m going to be set more for maths because why the hell would life be made easy. I miss Amy. I miss nina. Just ugh

I promised someone that I would go to bed soon so I’ll just leave. This was intended to be a happy post but I’ve already ruined that possibility. I wouldn’t bother reading this should probably be the title if it wasn’t so anti-clickbait to where it becomes clickbait. I hope you’re good, reader. If you’re not then hugs. Hugs anyway for reading this. 

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby  ❤ : :