Well it’s not a good one

I really didn’t think that the fact that that I can’t visibly sight any stars out of my window would get to me this much. After what has happened as of recent, I sort of needed a wish. 

I make it sound like I got hit by a car or something but quite frankly I really worryingly like the idea of that. Alas, here comes the list of things that are wrong so that I get to feel like I’m not bottling them all up inside of me. 

First of all, because the first two weren’t bad enough, I somehow managed to miss my maths exam which was today, A Level S1 if you were curious. It wasn’t on purpose but it sure is making me feel like shit with how much it is my fault. Like, fuck. I might have to stay in college for a third year which screws over being able to go to University with people I know. For a brief moment I thought everything seemed fairly planned out and I could go somewhere my best friend was going to go and now I feel like I’ve cocked that all up. God I want to go to university after 2 years of college and not 3. It might actually kill me. 

I’ve really fucked up with a person and yet they may not see it but I sure do because it’s starting to get at me and I feel like I have no way of breathing. 

My family all think I’m a joke because of my exam, and the more painful reason of because I fucked up with a friend and they can’t let it go. This has just led to me realising shit that makes things worse for me as I realise how much more of a fucking failure I am. I honestly can’t handle these thoughts anymore because they’re all true and it just makes it hurt that much more. They’ll say I should do stuff jokingly or at least I think it’s jokingly and yet they really don’t understand how much I want to do those things but I just fucking can’t because life can’t be easy for me but I shouldn’t worry because writing about it on this blog because I have noone else to talk to right now is sure going to fix everything

Depression doesn’t help along with anxiety suicidal thoughts PTSD and a whole load of other worrying shite. 

I’ve been trying to do daily drawings again in my sketchbook but what a surprise that streak only lasted for 3 days because I saw something in Facebook so I just threw my book to the side and collapsed on my bed to write this. 

Still have no job. Still spend all my money. Literally get given money every week for free, and I just spend it in that same week no matter what because I just can’t fucking help it apparently and it’s never even on me so my parents just love pointing that out to me. 

I want to die. 

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie was quite good though to be honest so that’s nice.

The next number is 2668 by the way, putting it as the title felt like I wasn’t being creative. 
Thanks for reading 

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

Genie Curtains

My curtains are never fully closed at night. But of course, you already knew that didn’t you. That’s right, I see your telescope. I like that you do it. I out on a show. Wait, what? Sidetracked! Blasted stalkers distracting me. My curtain allows for me to have a direct line of sight out of my window from where my head rests on my pillow. Naturally, like most things I do, there’s a weird reason behind it. It’s so that every single night, I can stare out and wish upon the first star I see (unless it’s cloudy and I can’t see any stars in which case I normally don’t sleep well). Yes, I do the entire “Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight…” chant out loud, and yes it’s the same exact wish every night because I’m a 7 year old desperate for my pony. 

It reminds me though, a long time ago in a car boot sale up the road, I bought what looked like a genies lamp in the hopes that I would be granted 3 wishes. Honestly speaking, I have more than one but for now let’s pretend I wasnt a desperate child. It may come as a surprise, but I never got my wishes…

Imagine if I did though. Obviously, I’d have to make my first wish the wish I chant to the stars every night. But what of the others? Let’s pretend that my second wish was to allow you yourself to have the final wish. That’s right, you get a free wish, so you better not waste it on chocolate or a pinball machine… 

Lets setup the parameters of course. All of the traditional limitations apply, so no wishing for more wishes and such. Theres no monkey paw or the deathly hallows type of deal where everything is taken incredibly literally, typically endung negatively, because screw that. Let’s say your wish has to be possible, so no superhuman flight etc, but… Yes… you can get that pinball machine still… most people probably know their wish instantly, it’s a wish after all. I’d be surprised if you didn’t have any wishes. When you’ve come up with your wish, please read onwards. 
What if… the wish could be something impossible? You could bring back a lost loved one, be granted with a never ending bottle if clean water, still get that blooming pinball machine. Does it actually change what your wish was? For me it doesn’t… and I like to think of that as inspiration, and perhaps you can too. That wish if yours? That could happen. Wow…

If your wish did change though, then who’s to say that today’s impossible is tomorrow’s possible. I hope that’s the case for you. 

Good luck with your wish

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

2732

Try not to question the current title format I’ve been using. 

As of recent, I have attempted to be more active on twitter since this medium of communication has been more helpful to me as of recent since writing a blog over something stupidly small that I could fit into a tweet makes me feel more depressed if anything, in the aense that it is like I am wasting your time. 

Life right now is at possibly one of its lowest points for a magnitude of random irrational reasons. I’d rather not go over the obvious like college and depression in general, though some new things have arisen. My mother got scammed, her bank account temporarily frozen, meaning that she’s had to borrow my money on occasion. I myself have no money, or very little of it. Probably because I bought someone an easter egg that’s on my twitter I believe if you were somewhat curious, along with just buying needless crap like that I guess. So, when I can’t give my mother money because I’ve wasted it all, it’s all just ugh. I can’t even sleep properly since nightmares/nightterrors exist. Part of the reason I’m writing this is actually because I’m too scared to sleep. I’d explain the dream but it’s personal and I wouldn’t tell anyone, so sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had more than five hours sleep. Loads of people hate me once more, so thats always entertaining. I don’t even want the holidays to come because I have an uncanny ability to guess when I’m going to be most depressed, and I’ve not gotten it wrong yet. This Friday is going to be the worst, Saturday probably coming close. When I say the worst, I really mean the worst and im genuinely scared of certain days in the future because of this new found ability of being able to predict my emotions based on upcoming events. Graphics is in on Friday too, so everything is going to be amplified to be worse, along with my maths test and computing test this week. Already been set 20+ hours of homework for Easter,  and that’s just maths and I know I’m going to be set more for maths because why the hell would life be made easy. I miss Amy. I miss nina. Just ugh

I promised someone that I would go to bed soon so I’ll just leave. This was intended to be a happy post but I’ve already ruined that possibility. I wouldn’t bother reading this should probably be the title if it wasn’t so anti-clickbait to where it becomes clickbait. I hope you’re good, reader. If you’re not then hugs. Hugs anyway for reading this. 

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby  ❤ : : 

2735

“When I first joined this company and I had two screens, people were like aww ooh someone’s fancy, and then now everyone has two screens.  So now I have six. So fuck you all. ”

Probably isn’t one of their most known quotes, but it still describes them pretty well. It was said by Monty Oum, probably most well known for RWBY, the anime show by Rooster Teeth. In short, though it never should be, he was an inspiration, and it was a shame that he passed away a few years ago.

Monty was always known for his efficiency whilst working at the company, as pointed out in the quote. He was one of the first few people to have multiple monitors within the company and they inspired the people around them to also be efficient. It’s commented upon that he was known for always having so many things going on at once, where he would be watching something on one monitor and creating something on the other. Even then, he was bound to have been working on seven different projects all at once.

It wasn’t only the multiple monitors that people decided to copy him on, as this was probably going to happen anyway since the uprising of technology. One of his quirks was at the microwave. He discovered that typing in 1:00 required 3 button presses, 1 0 and 0. Because of this, they started to do 0:60, as this was just 6 and 0 and gave the same effect. You’d think that it would stop there, but they went further. They did 0:55, so that it was the same button being pressed, thus raising the total efficiency by that fraction of a second.

Image result for monty oum signature

This is their signature. Even when you look at this, efficiency is showed, where the O is being used for both situations where it occurs in their name.

There are loads of tribute videos or writings or whatever out there, it’s worth looking at those if you’re interested. There isn’t really much I could say that would show how cool Monty was. He’s a great inspiration.

Love you Monty.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

CAUTION :: WET FLOOR

Remember that job I said I had? Well, that’s gone already.

When it came down to it, I would have been making less than minimum wage, and missing out on seeing someone who I would have probably quit any job for. I still feel bad, though. It’s fairly rare to see people proud of me, so I take what I can get. My mother was really happy, my aunt bought me some shoes to celebrate (she’s a clothes person, don’t ask), my cousin came around and congratulated me, my brother seemed happy about it too and… Yeah.

It’s starting to build up again, though.

Earlier today in Graphics, my teacher came to me doing their usual “Oh, so let’s see how far you’ve gotten even though I already know you’ve done absolutely nothing so I’m going to antagonise you about it” and swinging weirdly happily over to me, and I guess I sort of amazed them a bit, as this was on my screen.

Torii4.png

No-one had questioned why it was there, as everyone had assumed that it was just some artist research I was doing, though little did anyone realise that along with this image I had the entire process of how I made it, where I explained all the different programs I used, and how I was able to make all of it. By the time I was done, everyone in the class had basically gathered around my computer looking at my screen.

In total, this is around 20-30 hours work maybe, given that I had to learn how to use the majority of the software within that time, along with experiment with ways in which to convert or display or whatever. I struggle to have an opinion on stuff, but some people like Charlotte and Joe and whoever were effectively saying that it was insanely professional and that alone basically guaranteed me a great mark if I carried on using it for my final poster.

When my cousin saw an earlier product than this, he was still amazed, given that he had shown me how to use it literally the day before and I had already modelled so much stuff with it, though granted I was up for most of the night doing that when I probably shouldn’t have been.

If I had to form an opinion on it, though, I would probably just say “yay”. It made people be amazed and happy, and it made me happy that I impressed them. T’was nice.

Besides from that, though, I am doing really bad in Graphics, as this is really only one poster out of three, no matter how good it looks. I’ve been in a horrible mood all week alongside this, for some personal reasons and such. The job thing certainly doesn’t help. Today I just feel pissed off. Partly the reason I am writing this is to make me try and feel better I suppose. Tomorrow, I’m going to feel even worse. It’s all just so uuuuuuuuuuugh.

But from an outsiders point of view, I guess I’m pretty fine. I’m really happy with how my Graphics poster is going along, even if there are two more I need to do.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

I Watched a Movie…

Probably a weird way to start this off but hey ho, it loops back around to the title eventually.

When my parents split up, though they are back together now, I used to spend every other weekend with my father. For most, this was probably a negative thing as there is typically one side of the family which you tend to lean towards more than the other, and after a while maybe you wish not to do this routine anymore, but nonetheless I enjoyed it, always looked forward to it and never regretted it. No, I’m not just saying that because my parents are together now… as they are never going to read this. Probably.

When I went to my fathers for the weekend, we used to go to a club lots, and basically drink until we were asked to leave. So, as a result of this, every night this happened, I would have to wander with my father back to our house, though it was always weirdly nice. Partly because he used to tell me their secrets and such, but let’s ignore that. It was during those times that I learnt to appreciate how things looked at night, how we were able to communicate thoughts through a simple glance, I learnt the phonetic alphabet, how to not get caught peeing in a bush… There was this one time, though. I believe we were discussing movies in general, though he said to me to not watch a certain movie. That it was a movie that really got to him every time and made them emotionally swell up. He told me never to watch it until, quite bluntly, he had died. I assume he doesn’t remember the conversation at all, or most of our conversations for that matter. Me being the immature person I was at the time decided to watch the movie without them.

It’s a good movie.

So I decided for some reason to watch the movie again today, as I couldn’t entirely remember it from that one time that I watched it. I make it sound like I’m going against his wishes, but believe me when I say he was drunk.

So, the movie is called Seven Pounds. You probably haven’t heard of it, it’s one of Will Smith’s less known titles, especially when people constantly confuse it with The Pursuit of Happyness. If you’re into sad stuff, for some weird reason, then go nuts and watch it.

 

: : Huge Spoiler Warning : :

The movie itself is called ‘Seven Pounds’ as a reference to ‘The Merchant of Venice’, by Shakespeare, in which someone must pay a pound of flesh when in debt. So, because of this, it shows that Will Smith’s character is in debt to seven people. Why seven? Well, that’s because the main character is the cause of a life-altering event, which cost seven people their lives, and so the movie is focused around the character helping seven people to make up for this (though this isn’t found out until the end of the movie). In order to help these seven new people, he dabbles in some illegal affairs, such as impersonation etc. The way in which he finally helps these people though is real ball kicker. The movie starts with Will’s character (Tim, though impersonated under the name of ‘Ben’) literally calling for an ambulance, for the suicide they are about to commit. It is then shown throughout the story of the movie what led him to this. The reason is because each of the seven people all needed something physical replaced, such as Tim’s brother’s lung, or Emily Posa’s heart. He commits suicide so that they can each get these pieces from him, and in return he can help pay his debt to the seven people he unintentionally killed in a car accident.

 

I’m not sure why my dad felt so connected with it, and to be honest it kind of worries me sometimes. I don’t like the movie, not because it’s poorly made, or it’s a bad story, I mean it as in it makes me incredibly sad, but I feel bad to say that I’m weirdly connected to it now.

 

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

Filling a computer with sequins isn’t bad, right?

So, as I do every few months, I just finished de-dusting my computer out, and believe me when I tell you that I can’t stop coughing now. I probably shouldn’t have done it so late at night, especially when I only have one tiny window open and I’m about to go to bed. I can’t even take a drink from my LEGO mug because the dust beat me to that as well.

I’m an idiot.

I really wish that there was a way to stop this from happening. I’m genuinely tempted to just hang every internal piece of hardware on my wall and not have a case. Also, as stupid as that sounds, Google it, it’s possible. People have even stuck their hardware inside of a fish tank, after covering it in some kind of weird plastic thing or something, and they actually have fish swimming around all of their computer components. Granted, I’m unlikely to do that, but what I do have is a lot of Pritt Stick and a neat little bag of assorted sequins…

I Deja You Too

Firstly, don’t get annoyed because I spelt deja vu without the fancy letters. I’m on my phone, in bed, at 3am; cut me some slack. 

On Saturday I had one of my best friends come around for what is now known as ‘Pizza Saturday’, which says a lot about my rich choice in foods. When we were dropping them off later, though, I had a weird episode of Deja Vu in the car. I’ve always had weird experiences with this kind of thing, and I don’t even know if it is Deja Vu, maybe it is something else, but whenever it happens I normally either end up talking about having Deja vu inside of my Deja vu, or I leave some kind of message for myself. So, when I was sat in the car, I had the episode and I had a message…

“You have no idea how lucky you are. Youre friends with the planets best person. You better love this person until the end of time, and never lose them”

I then starTed thinking about pirates in the Deja vu for some reason, but I hope you get the idea.

Thanks Odd

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

A Theory in Theories about Theories being Theories

Also… Car Theory Test! I went for my test today, and I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t get kicked out.

First of all, no, I didn’t pass it. It’s my first time so I wasn’t exactly expecting to, and as such it doesn’t bother me.

Secondly, they make you strip everything. They basically give you a little locker in which you put your phone (turned off), anything from your arms (watches/bands), anything with pockets where taking them off wouldn’t cause your private doo-doo parts to show (jumper/jacket/coat etc) and everything from your pants pockets apart from your license. The shirt I was wearing, though, was covered in loads of quotes from Rooster Teeth, and as such with them being of completely random topics, the staff had to read every single one of them and make smart cracks about them all… Yup. Thankfully, they didn’t make me take my pants off for having pockets in, which would have been awkward enough as it is to have been sat there pantless in front of a computer with moisturiser and earbuds on it. They didn’t make me take my shirt off either, which would have been a different scene altogether…

Then, when I was doing the Hazard Perception test, it was all 3d modelled, which I wasn’t expecting. So, when a load of weirdly modelled faces peeked from behind the back of a bus, I couldn’t help but laugh at them instead of clicking the mouse like I was supposed to. Somehow, I passed this part of the test, despite what the sheep looked like… At least you could tell they were sheep, it’s just that they were galloping across the road.

But yeah! I failed, and I don’t care. I probably shouldn’t rub the fact that I don’t care in people’s faces given that there were lots of door slamming when people left the room from the waiting area with their results, but I’m excited for next time. I also saw some people while I was there and it was nice and I love ^-^

Oh! Also! I had exams at the start of this week. Those were a thing! Yes! I should tell you! So, on Monday I had Computing, and since we marked them in lesson, I know that I’ve already gotten an A. Later that day we had Graphics, which was basically a normal lesson with an extended time, though at the end we had to hang something up under our pin on the wall so that it could be examined by Friday.

I made it in the first 15 minutes of the 2-hour session; it’s horrible and cringy yet I love it. To be fair, I spent the rest of the lesson on my phone.

On Tuesday I had Maths, though everyone did bad in Maths, so I don’t really mind that I did bad also. I also got a shelf and I threw a load of stuff on it.

There… There are much worse addictions than Rubik’s Cubes… Don’t judge…

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

The Sides of the Road

I’ve started a new game to play in the mornings when I’m driving to College.

You see, where I live, it isn’t particularly pretty, though there is a small pleasure in this which I have been able to form.

Every morning from now on, I look at all the litter on the sides of my road. Granted, the majority of this for me is fag butts and crisp packets, though perhaps that might give me an advantage over you should you ever try to do this. By the way, litter could even be a sofa that someone has thrown onto the side of the road and dumped, or even what you can see surrounding someone’s bins.

You then have to picture an empty house. Entirely empty, mind, besides walls and floors and, depending if you’re picturing an apartment or an actual house, stairs. You now have to fill your house with the litter that you find. Yup.

I always typically find a tyre somewhere, which I am able to position on the wall as a sort of swing, representative of a chair. Perhaps I find enough pizza boxes to make a table out of them. Maybe I decide to use all of the cigarettes that I find to make an outline for a  path leading up to the house. It’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever done, this game, but part of me loves it. I’m not sure why.

People don’t count as litter, though. You can’t throw any person you find inside of your house. Believe me, I know.

Eventually, you will probably end up having one of the most amazing houses that you could be aware of, completely recycled. Maybe it will inspire you to make things out of your own rubbish, like those weird craft videos on Facebook which use the weirdest, most irrelevant things to make other things which are supposed to be useful. Yes! Those ones!

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :