Well it’s not a good one

I really didn’t think that the fact that that I can’t visibly sight any stars out of my window would get to me this much. After what has happened as of recent, I sort of needed a wish. 

I make it sound like I got hit by a car or something but quite frankly I really worryingly like the idea of that. Alas, here comes the list of things that are wrong so that I get to feel like I’m not bottling them all up inside of me. 

First of all, because the first two weren’t bad enough, I somehow managed to miss my maths exam which was today, A Level S1 if you were curious. It wasn’t on purpose but it sure is making me feel like shit with how much it is my fault. Like, fuck. I might have to stay in college for a third year which screws over being able to go to University with people I know. For a brief moment I thought everything seemed fairly planned out and I could go somewhere my best friend was going to go and now I feel like I’ve cocked that all up. God I want to go to university after 2 years of college and not 3. It might actually kill me. 

I’ve really fucked up with a person and yet they may not see it but I sure do because it’s starting to get at me and I feel like I have no way of breathing. 

My family all think I’m a joke because of my exam, and the more painful reason of because I fucked up with a friend and they can’t let it go. This has just led to me realising shit that makes things worse for me as I realise how much more of a fucking failure I am. I honestly can’t handle these thoughts anymore because they’re all true and it just makes it hurt that much more. They’ll say I should do stuff jokingly or at least I think it’s jokingly and yet they really don’t understand how much I want to do those things but I just fucking can’t because life can’t be easy for me but I shouldn’t worry because writing about it on this blog because I have noone else to talk to right now is sure going to fix everything

Depression doesn’t help along with anxiety suicidal thoughts PTSD and a whole load of other worrying shite. 

I’ve been trying to do daily drawings again in my sketchbook but what a surprise that streak only lasted for 3 days because I saw something in Facebook so I just threw my book to the side and collapsed on my bed to write this. 

Still have no job. Still spend all my money. Literally get given money every week for free, and I just spend it in that same week no matter what because I just can’t fucking help it apparently and it’s never even on me so my parents just love pointing that out to me. 

I want to die. 

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie was quite good though to be honest so that’s nice.

The next number is 2668 by the way, putting it as the title felt like I wasn’t being creative. 
Thanks for reading 

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

2732

Try not to question the current title format I’ve been using. 

As of recent, I have attempted to be more active on twitter since this medium of communication has been more helpful to me as of recent since writing a blog over something stupidly small that I could fit into a tweet makes me feel more depressed if anything, in the aense that it is like I am wasting your time. 

Life right now is at possibly one of its lowest points for a magnitude of random irrational reasons. I’d rather not go over the obvious like college and depression in general, though some new things have arisen. My mother got scammed, her bank account temporarily frozen, meaning that she’s had to borrow my money on occasion. I myself have no money, or very little of it. Probably because I bought someone an easter egg that’s on my twitter I believe if you were somewhat curious, along with just buying needless crap like that I guess. So, when I can’t give my mother money because I’ve wasted it all, it’s all just ugh. I can’t even sleep properly since nightmares/nightterrors exist. Part of the reason I’m writing this is actually because I’m too scared to sleep. I’d explain the dream but it’s personal and I wouldn’t tell anyone, so sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had more than five hours sleep. Loads of people hate me once more, so thats always entertaining. I don’t even want the holidays to come because I have an uncanny ability to guess when I’m going to be most depressed, and I’ve not gotten it wrong yet. This Friday is going to be the worst, Saturday probably coming close. When I say the worst, I really mean the worst and im genuinely scared of certain days in the future because of this new found ability of being able to predict my emotions based on upcoming events. Graphics is in on Friday too, so everything is going to be amplified to be worse, along with my maths test and computing test this week. Already been set 20+ hours of homework for Easter,  and that’s just maths and I know I’m going to be set more for maths because why the hell would life be made easy. I miss Amy. I miss nina. Just ugh

I promised someone that I would go to bed soon so I’ll just leave. This was intended to be a happy post but I’ve already ruined that possibility. I wouldn’t bother reading this should probably be the title if it wasn’t so anti-clickbait to where it becomes clickbait. I hope you’re good, reader. If you’re not then hugs. Hugs anyway for reading this. 

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby  ❤ : : 

CAUTION :: WET FLOOR

Remember that job I said I had? Well, that’s gone already.

When it came down to it, I would have been making less than minimum wage, and missing out on seeing someone who I would have probably quit any job for. I still feel bad, though. It’s fairly rare to see people proud of me, so I take what I can get. My mother was really happy, my aunt bought me some shoes to celebrate (she’s a clothes person, don’t ask), my cousin came around and congratulated me, my brother seemed happy about it too and… Yeah.

It’s starting to build up again, though.

Earlier today in Graphics, my teacher came to me doing their usual “Oh, so let’s see how far you’ve gotten even though I already know you’ve done absolutely nothing so I’m going to antagonise you about it” and swinging weirdly happily over to me, and I guess I sort of amazed them a bit, as this was on my screen.

Torii4.png

No-one had questioned why it was there, as everyone had assumed that it was just some artist research I was doing, though little did anyone realise that along with this image I had the entire process of how I made it, where I explained all the different programs I used, and how I was able to make all of it. By the time I was done, everyone in the class had basically gathered around my computer looking at my screen.

In total, this is around 20-30 hours work maybe, given that I had to learn how to use the majority of the software within that time, along with experiment with ways in which to convert or display or whatever. I struggle to have an opinion on stuff, but some people like Charlotte and Joe and whoever were effectively saying that it was insanely professional and that alone basically guaranteed me a great mark if I carried on using it for my final poster.

When my cousin saw an earlier product than this, he was still amazed, given that he had shown me how to use it literally the day before and I had already modelled so much stuff with it, though granted I was up for most of the night doing that when I probably shouldn’t have been.

If I had to form an opinion on it, though, I would probably just say “yay”. It made people be amazed and happy, and it made me happy that I impressed them. T’was nice.

Besides from that, though, I am doing really bad in Graphics, as this is really only one poster out of three, no matter how good it looks. I’ve been in a horrible mood all week alongside this, for some personal reasons and such. The job thing certainly doesn’t help. Today I just feel pissed off. Partly the reason I am writing this is to make me try and feel better I suppose. Tomorrow, I’m going to feel even worse. It’s all just so uuuuuuuuuuugh.

But from an outsiders point of view, I guess I’m pretty fine. I’m really happy with how my Graphics poster is going along, even if there are two more I need to do.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

I Watched a Movie…

Probably a weird way to start this off but hey ho, it loops back around to the title eventually.

When my parents split up, though they are back together now, I used to spend every other weekend with my father. For most, this was probably a negative thing as there is typically one side of the family which you tend to lean towards more than the other, and after a while maybe you wish not to do this routine anymore, but nonetheless I enjoyed it, always looked forward to it and never regretted it. No, I’m not just saying that because my parents are together now… as they are never going to read this. Probably.

When I went to my fathers for the weekend, we used to go to a club lots, and basically drink until we were asked to leave. So, as a result of this, every night this happened, I would have to wander with my father back to our house, though it was always weirdly nice. Partly because he used to tell me their secrets and such, but let’s ignore that. It was during those times that I learnt to appreciate how things looked at night, how we were able to communicate thoughts through a simple glance, I learnt the phonetic alphabet, how to not get caught peeing in a bush… There was this one time, though. I believe we were discussing movies in general, though he said to me to not watch a certain movie. That it was a movie that really got to him every time and made them emotionally swell up. He told me never to watch it until, quite bluntly, he had died. I assume he doesn’t remember the conversation at all, or most of our conversations for that matter. Me being the immature person I was at the time decided to watch the movie without them.

It’s a good movie.

So I decided for some reason to watch the movie again today, as I couldn’t entirely remember it from that one time that I watched it. I make it sound like I’m going against his wishes, but believe me when I say he was drunk.

So, the movie is called Seven Pounds. You probably haven’t heard of it, it’s one of Will Smith’s less known titles, especially when people constantly confuse it with The Pursuit of Happyness. If you’re into sad stuff, for some weird reason, then go nuts and watch it.

 

: : Huge Spoiler Warning : :

The movie itself is called ‘Seven Pounds’ as a reference to ‘The Merchant of Venice’, by Shakespeare, in which someone must pay a pound of flesh when in debt. So, because of this, it shows that Will Smith’s character is in debt to seven people. Why seven? Well, that’s because the main character is the cause of a life-altering event, which cost seven people their lives, and so the movie is focused around the character helping seven people to make up for this (though this isn’t found out until the end of the movie). In order to help these seven new people, he dabbles in some illegal affairs, such as impersonation etc. The way in which he finally helps these people though is real ball kicker. The movie starts with Will’s character (Tim, though impersonated under the name of ‘Ben’) literally calling for an ambulance, for the suicide they are about to commit. It is then shown throughout the story of the movie what led him to this. The reason is because each of the seven people all needed something physical replaced, such as Tim’s brother’s lung, or Emily Posa’s heart. He commits suicide so that they can each get these pieces from him, and in return he can help pay his debt to the seven people he unintentionally killed in a car accident.

 

I’m not sure why my dad felt so connected with it, and to be honest it kind of worries me sometimes. I don’t like the movie, not because it’s poorly made, or it’s a bad story, I mean it as in it makes me incredibly sad, but I feel bad to say that I’m weirdly connected to it now.

 

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

Staring at Robins

I learnt something today, and it’s sticking with me.

It is commonly thought that whenever you see a Robin, it is actually someone who has passed on, looking over you. This is meant in a positive way, mind.

The reason I bring this up is because me and my mother saw a Robin in my garden earlier, shortly after I realised how horrible tea was and spat it out everywhere. My mother has always had robins on everything, especially around Christmas since they’re always seen on cards etc, though we have robins on cushions and I’m fairly certain in pictures. She told me this, and she said that herself and her mother used to always love robins, because they thought it was my mother’s father looking over them both. Naturally, this warmed my heart.

 

: : SAD WARNING – If you stop reading here, then thanks for reading what you did ❤ : :

My mum left the room, and I stayed there filling up my mug with Pepsi instead of tea this time, after which I looked out the window again. The robin was still standing on the table. I never said anything, though I noticed that the robin was staring at me and not my mother previously, and it was still staring at me now.

Now, there’s very few people who I know that have unfortunately passed, so instead of being bias towards thinking it could have been one person, if it even was true, I had a moment to talk to all of them. What’s next is kind of personal to me, so don’t feel obligated to read it.

My Grandmother :: I said that I wanted to have spent more time with you, just as my brother had done. This isn’t me saying I’m jealous, as I said that I was happy that he had the opportunity to.

Nina :: I said that I still thought of them every day. I thanked them for all of the memories, and wished that we could have made more. I apologised for me having stopped talking to them, and us becoming distant.

Amy :: I apologised for doing what I did, along with some other things. I still thanked them for what we did together, and that I missed them.

Someone I don’t want to talk about, though not because of bad things.

Storm :: Storm was the name of my labrador whilst I was growing up. This was mostly me thanking them for memories once again, and that I missed them.

At this point, I was quite amazed that the robin was still staring at me, and hadn’t flown off. It felt rude to leave, so I stayed for a few moments until it flew away.

It was a nice part of my day, so I thanked the robin itself in general.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

A Ringless Saturn

I stared at the man as he scratched away at his finger, psychotically rubbing against every part of their skin along it. In fact, I noticed every single small detail due to the amount of attention I was providing to his vicinity. Every time their hair was brushed by their breath. Every time the front of their foot collided with the floor as they furiously tapped against it. Every tear that rolled out of their eye and hit against their knee, staining their fading jeans.

After hours of conversation, we hugged. It wasn’t his fault after all. Straight away, with a burst of energy, I leapt to my drawers and started clambering through them, analysing every section of its contents. It took a while, but I found it, and I brought it to the man.

I handed him over a ring, to replace the one he had lost, telling him it was a resemblance of our friendship. An attempt to stop them from rubbing the place on their finger from where their last one was. He smiled

Drift Road Stores

I tried to go inside the other day, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Drift Road Stores is more commonly known as Raj’s. Raj is possibly one of the nicest men you will ever meet. Granted, he will get your name wrong and call you ‘Ron’ instead, but it was always in a charming way. I used to go there most days after school, chanting “Can we go to Raj’s” from the back of my mother’s car.

It was rare that I ever bought anything other than a gobstopper, or the notorious fun snaps of my generation. For those of you who don’t know, fun snaps were little pieces of paper with some untasty stuff inside, about the size of a spitball, which when thrown against the ground would make a bang noise. I used to collect them, with them possessing a bowl on top of our kitchen cupboard, though once I dropped the bowl, it seemed wise to place them closer to the floor.

I always used to look at the section next to the entrance which was full of fake gag products, such as fake cigarettes or fake vomit. Whenever I had chosen what I wanted, which given my small variety in choice didn’t take very long, I would wait for everyone else to choose by spinning this around.

I hear your wife runs the shop now, which is both a positive and a negative I guess. I’m going to miss being called Ron. On the bright side, you moved the barrel of sweets up to the till so that my mum was more likely to see them and buy them for me. I never asked for anything other than what I would usually grab, it felt wrong to break from the pattern.

It’s weird how the smallest people in your life can make you so happy, and you never realise that they are doing it. I’m sure everyone has a small quirky person which they rarely see, though when they do it’s the best few moments of their time. Hold on to these people. As sad as it sounds, and sorry to bring a sad end to this post, but some people are very good at hiding the fact they have cancer, and those people still go on with a smile on their face, continuing making everyone happy.

Thanks for reading.

: : Ron ❤ : :