Well it’s not a good one

I really didn’t think that the fact that that I can’t visibly sight any stars out of my window would get to me this much. After what has happened as of recent, I sort of needed a wish. 

I make it sound like I got hit by a car or something but quite frankly I really worryingly like the idea of that. Alas, here comes the list of things that are wrong so that I get to feel like I’m not bottling them all up inside of me. 

First of all, because the first two weren’t bad enough, I somehow managed to miss my maths exam which was today, A Level S1 if you were curious. It wasn’t on purpose but it sure is making me feel like shit with how much it is my fault. Like, fuck. I might have to stay in college for a third year which screws over being able to go to University with people I know. For a brief moment I thought everything seemed fairly planned out and I could go somewhere my best friend was going to go and now I feel like I’ve cocked that all up. God I want to go to university after 2 years of college and not 3. It might actually kill me. 

I’ve really fucked up with a person and yet they may not see it but I sure do because it’s starting to get at me and I feel like I have no way of breathing. 

My family all think I’m a joke because of my exam, and the more painful reason of because I fucked up with a friend and they can’t let it go. This has just led to me realising shit that makes things worse for me as I realise how much more of a fucking failure I am. I honestly can’t handle these thoughts anymore because they’re all true and it just makes it hurt that much more. They’ll say I should do stuff jokingly or at least I think it’s jokingly and yet they really don’t understand how much I want to do those things but I just fucking can’t because life can’t be easy for me but I shouldn’t worry because writing about it on this blog because I have noone else to talk to right now is sure going to fix everything

Depression doesn’t help along with anxiety suicidal thoughts PTSD and a whole load of other worrying shite. 

I’ve been trying to do daily drawings again in my sketchbook but what a surprise that streak only lasted for 3 days because I saw something in Facebook so I just threw my book to the side and collapsed on my bed to write this. 

Still have no job. Still spend all my money. Literally get given money every week for free, and I just spend it in that same week no matter what because I just can’t fucking help it apparently and it’s never even on me so my parents just love pointing that out to me. 

I want to die. 

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie was quite good though to be honest so that’s nice.

The next number is 2668 by the way, putting it as the title felt like I wasn’t being creative. 
Thanks for reading 

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

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14 thoughts on “Well it’s not a good one

    • I thought it was next week because that was what my teacher told me but on the college website everyone said it was the weeb previous to this, and I don’t think I was in the lesson where she pointed this out to us and she never updated the board with the wrong time on it, that thing is like a wasteland.

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        • Thanks 🙂
          Also, I don’t mean to be a stick in the mud but I saw your post from a few hours ago but didn’t really have anything to comment. I’m hardly someone you should be taking advice from given that I missed the exam but you should definitely revise. Like, I felt like shit for the most part because even if I did manage to find out about how the exam was today, I have done fuck all revision and I was going to for some reason leave it all until a few days before. Missing the exam doesn’t hurt as much as knowing that I couldn’t have done it if it was actually today, and I know for a fact that I needed more than a few days. Revision sucks but it’s not just for the exam, it can feel accomplishing that even afterwards you have this knowledge and you’re free to do whatever you want with it. Knowing stuff you don’t need to know is a nice feeling if that makes sense

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          • It does suck. And reading this has of course made me empathise with you and your situation, but like, it’s made me see how crucial revising is.
            Since I wrote the post at like 12(?) I’ve been doing C4 and it’s weird. Nearly 4 hours solid – haven’t felt like this in a while.
            “Knowing stuff you don’t need to know is a nice feeling if it makes sense” – that’s an interesting thought, hadn’t considered it before. Probably because the way I view maths is that it’s life or death but I like this spin.

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            • Hay I’m weirdly glad that you’ve been revising lol. That’s great to hear! I sorta need to put these spins on things aswell since I struggle to gain motivation when it’s just for an exam, but if I think of it as more than an exam and how it will help me after then I seem to gain more motivation. And it 100% isn’t a lie that you use this kind of maths outside of lessons; I just so happened to use the word ‘cosine’ in a game of Words With Friends earlier today so you never know

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              • Thanks! It’s nice to hear some encouragement because honestly, with bouts of study leave and whatnot I haven’t seen my teachers and I’ve been losing the plot.
                Motivation is hard – especially at the end which is a bit counter-intuitive to me, but it happens.
                Hey that’s cool! Maths for the win. Ah the only times I use it out the lessons in when my friends and I make jokes. All of our conversations nowadays are about exams and when they’re “fun” they’ve still got maths going on too.

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                • If revising gives more topics to talk to your friends about so you can make them happier with jokes and stuff then it sure has a huge tick in my book for being worth it. I feel what you mean about teachers though, I really struggle to do any revision outside of college since theyre not here to give me structure etc so I’m actually really impressed whenever I see someone else doing it lol, congratulations

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                  • Oh most definitely. I can’t remember the last conversation I had with anyone that didn’t involve maths at some stage. I genuinely do not think about anything else – not sure if it’s a good thing or just plain sad. Hence all I ever write about is maths.
                    Tell me about it. I’ve been motivated all throughout school but for the past 2 months for some reason I just can’t do it. I need a light scare, you know?

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                    • If it makes you feel any better I like your blog when you’re talking maths because it’s really interesting to know about how you’re getting on with it in comparison. To be completely honest, if I had to list all the smartest people I know then you’d definitely be on the list because of your blog and how complex and amazing it all is, especially when you’re juggling physics in with it also, good luck tomorrow with that by the way, and I just don’t even know. I don’t know if you’re actually smart or not because I understand near none of it, but it sure sounds it lol.

                      Also having maths as a constant conversation topic isn’t a bad thing, it’d be like 2 obvious dog lovers meeting up and not talking about dogs. It’s just weird otherwise

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                    • That’s really nice of you to say – I appreciate it because sometimes I worry that it comes across as super…like, boring seems too simple a word here. Stodgy. It’s heavy. I think you know what I mean.
                      Oml Physics don’t even. I started off decent, really enjoyed it then completely stopped working and now I’m like ???
                      Trust me I’m not smart. I just like terrible subjects. When you have one solid thing going for you, you have to keep working. Damn am I giving myself a pep talk.
                      Hahah nice way of putting it! Fair enough.
                      Likewise your blog is entertaining – unlike mine one can never predict what you’ll post. Keeps it interesting.

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                    • I just realised how flirty my last comment was so I’ll apologise now. It seems I compliment lots when I’m tired. Seriously though there’s no need to worry, because I do actually really love how you do your blog. I’m sure you have a lot more than math going for you also, you sound like a lovely person! At least your blog isn’t full of emotional stuff all the time lol, I’ll try and just put some of my daily drawings or whatever up on my blog for the forseeable future, since I can never come up with interesting stuff to write anyway. I don’t have the slightest clue how normal people blog, especially when it’s like every day. It really takes it out of me just reading stuff let alone having to come up with stuff to write

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                    • Oh goodness no don’t worry I didn’t see it as that at all.
                      Don’t put yourself down – remember everyone writes differently (and interesting for one person is a different interesting for another person). Trust me, I have no idea either. HAHAHA I see your point. Ah. Just go with the flow. Easiest that way.

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                    • Alright well before I start writing love letters then I really should go to sleep. Good luck with Physics and whatever is next, oh and nice job once again for revising 🙂

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