Well it’s not a good one

I really didn’t think that the fact that that I can’t visibly sight any stars out of my window would get to me this much. After what has happened as of recent, I sort of needed a wish. 

I make it sound like I got hit by a car or something but quite frankly I really worryingly like the idea of that. Alas, here comes the list of things that are wrong so that I get to feel like I’m not bottling them all up inside of me. 

First of all, because the first two weren’t bad enough, I somehow managed to miss my maths exam which was today, A Level S1 if you were curious. It wasn’t on purpose but it sure is making me feel like shit with how much it is my fault. Like, fuck. I might have to stay in college for a third year which screws over being able to go to University with people I know. For a brief moment I thought everything seemed fairly planned out and I could go somewhere my best friend was going to go and now I feel like I’ve cocked that all up. God I want to go to university after 2 years of college and not 3. It might actually kill me. 

I’ve really fucked up with a person and yet they may not see it but I sure do because it’s starting to get at me and I feel like I have no way of breathing. 

My family all think I’m a joke because of my exam, and the more painful reason of because I fucked up with a friend and they can’t let it go. This has just led to me realising shit that makes things worse for me as I realise how much more of a fucking failure I am. I honestly can’t handle these thoughts anymore because they’re all true and it just makes it hurt that much more. They’ll say I should do stuff jokingly or at least I think it’s jokingly and yet they really don’t understand how much I want to do those things but I just fucking can’t because life can’t be easy for me but I shouldn’t worry because writing about it on this blog because I have noone else to talk to right now is sure going to fix everything

Depression doesn’t help along with anxiety suicidal thoughts PTSD and a whole load of other worrying shite. 

I’ve been trying to do daily drawings again in my sketchbook but what a surprise that streak only lasted for 3 days because I saw something in Facebook so I just threw my book to the side and collapsed on my bed to write this. 

Still have no job. Still spend all my money. Literally get given money every week for free, and I just spend it in that same week no matter what because I just can’t fucking help it apparently and it’s never even on me so my parents just love pointing that out to me. 

I want to die. 

The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie was quite good though to be honest so that’s nice.

The next number is 2668 by the way, putting it as the title felt like I wasn’t being creative. 
Thanks for reading 

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

Genie Curtains

My curtains are never fully closed at night. But of course, you already knew that didn’t you. That’s right, I see your telescope. I like that you do it. I out on a show. Wait, what? Sidetracked! Blasted stalkers distracting me. My curtain allows for me to have a direct line of sight out of my window from where my head rests on my pillow. Naturally, like most things I do, there’s a weird reason behind it. It’s so that every single night, I can stare out and wish upon the first star I see (unless it’s cloudy and I can’t see any stars in which case I normally don’t sleep well). Yes, I do the entire “Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight…” chant out loud, and yes it’s the same exact wish every night because I’m a 7 year old desperate for my pony. 

It reminds me though, a long time ago in a car boot sale up the road, I bought what looked like a genies lamp in the hopes that I would be granted 3 wishes. Honestly speaking, I have more than one but for now let’s pretend I wasnt a desperate child. It may come as a surprise, but I never got my wishes…

Imagine if I did though. Obviously, I’d have to make my first wish the wish I chant to the stars every night. But what of the others? Let’s pretend that my second wish was to allow you yourself to have the final wish. That’s right, you get a free wish, so you better not waste it on chocolate or a pinball machine… 

Lets setup the parameters of course. All of the traditional limitations apply, so no wishing for more wishes and such. Theres no monkey paw or the deathly hallows type of deal where everything is taken incredibly literally, typically endung negatively, because screw that. Let’s say your wish has to be possible, so no superhuman flight etc, but… Yes… you can get that pinball machine still… most people probably know their wish instantly, it’s a wish after all. I’d be surprised if you didn’t have any wishes. When you’ve come up with your wish, please read onwards. 
What if… the wish could be something impossible? You could bring back a lost loved one, be granted with a never ending bottle if clean water, still get that blooming pinball machine. Does it actually change what your wish was? For me it doesn’t… and I like to think of that as inspiration, and perhaps you can too. That wish if yours? That could happen. Wow…

If your wish did change though, then who’s to say that today’s impossible is tomorrow’s possible. I hope that’s the case for you. 

Good luck with your wish

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

2715

Waking up to your body being crunched up on a tiny back-breaking sofa isn’t the best of ways to start this day. I also really can’t move given the amount that I’ve tucked myself in… 

I think my mother is starting to slowly realise what I’ve been doing lately. Lately being the past few months. She’s starting to despise me doing certain things along with attempting to prevent those things or make this dream alternative of hers happen. Sorry for the vagueness. 

You know how sad people might buy themselves a birthday card etc, I sorta feel like buying myself a get well soon card. Mainly so I have an excuse for getting a balloon though, to be honest.

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

You enter the door seemingly carved into the trees spine…

Hello?

Is anyone…? Um. Oh?

Is… is that? Oh, greetings! I wasn’t sure if you were actually here or not. Gosh, look how small you are, indeed. Oh no no! J don’t mean like that, of course… I mean in comparison to, well, everything! Just look around you; look outside; look up into the sky. Can’t you see? Don’t you get it? It’s not important anyway, noone ever really gets it. 

So tell me! How are you? We hardly speak nor see eachother anymore, granted that’s my fault… Well go on, tell me how you’ve been feeling recen- uh. That’s… You’re thinking of a problem aren’t you. You know, I really couldn’t give a toss. Not in a mean way, mind, just… You’re so bloody small! I hope to God you get that someday since its not like this ‘being this tiny thing in such a large universe’ concept is an incredibly commonly used anecdote or anything. I’m not surprised you don’t really care about it. Noone ever does at first. Well, the first few times you start having visions of your perfect future all because you feel as though your mind has been split open and filled with knowledge, but that never lasts more than an hour. You’ve just got to be feisty about it. Just stick your fingers up and yell “Fuck you problems!” 

Well, actually you probably shouldnt. There’s most likely people within earshot. And don’t be that smartass who is all “but people being within earshot is a problem which means I should do it. Muewww mueeewwww mueeeeeewwwwwwww”. You know what problems I’m talking about you tit. You’re hardlylistening to me because you wish you had a lollipop. Though, a lolly would be pretty dapper right around now. Would a lolly taste better if it had ketchup on it? Oh no no no why would I think of that, Jesus’s nipple tassels, that’s horrible! Now that’s a problem I can happily say ‘fuck off’ to. 

So anyway, what brings you here?

Oh. I’m all out of heroine, but I can throw in a free taster session of some cocaine if you buy this tin of cannabis.

Cupid Ricocheted

Cool title, huh? Damn fucking right. It’s 4:30am and im just a lil intoxicated and I felt like drunk I’ll hitting my screen to make some words since noone is online.

I’ve got, like, lots of voices in my head. Not just now or because I’m tipsy but cause of just stuff recently. It’s kinda weird, you expect voices in your head to sound like you or at least resemble you in some way but yer most of are different entirely and woo wee. I’d bloody kill for some chips right now. See that? Drunk and still keeping it pg. Take that Lee Evans. I don’t even get that; my mum used to say you swear too much and yet I never minded. Got a semi colon man. Dno if I used it right but I do better English when like this lol

Dreams are pretty fucked up too lad. Mine are all like suicidey or torturey, and those are just the good ones. Nah but seriously I’ve not had a morning where I’ve woken up without sweating and kicking around and being happy. I have a prevention for this couse, it’s call being awake at 4am. Take that future me! You fuck. Oh shit I swore. I don’t even know why u don’t swear so fuck it. Fucking cum bubble licking nipple clamp teasing mouth explorer anus tickler little shite. 

Fuck you. Nah I love you though, you non sentient over heating phone. You’re fukin great. 

You hurt my brain though. Why you have to be made up of logic gates and not something simple like gummy bears. Ugh. 

Shit I need to sleep. Don’t tell the world I was up so late phoney roo
Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby ❤ : : 

A Good Ol’ Natter

I revisited an old memory of mine, which I wished to share with you.

A few houses ago, yes it’s bad that I am able to say that, I used to be a weee weeeee lad. So weee that I used to do some of the stupidest things which nowadays would just make me start thinking over the entirety of my life. I assume you’re familiar with all of the things you keep in your bathroom, such as your shampoo, conditioner, face wash, shower gel, tomato sauce, mouthwash and toothpaste. Well, whenever the container they were in were nearly empty, I would take them and stash them all in my room (my mother was aware I did this, it wasn’t a secret) and wait for me to have collected a large quantity of them. Of course, I could have just taken full bottles, but I was a good child, so the ones I took were typically under half… maybe… Eventually, I would have built up so many different items where I was ready to do the next step. I would take a bowl and empty all of the containers into it. It doesn’t sound pretty, but it used to be a lot more fun than it seems. It was like I was some wizard conjuring and mixing this magnificent concoction which always used to end up looking like Angel Delight. Literally every time. I remember enjoying it also because it had a smell which was very significant to just that, in the way that I love the smell of Petrol, as it doesn’t smell like other things, whereas all flowers smell the same, let’s not lie to ourselves. Now that I think of it though, I probably shouldn’t have spent all my time smelling it. That might have been the cause of many existing problems now that I think about it. Oh no.

Let’s pretend this never happened.

 

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

2732

Try not to question the current title format I’ve been using. 

As of recent, I have attempted to be more active on twitter since this medium of communication has been more helpful to me as of recent since writing a blog over something stupidly small that I could fit into a tweet makes me feel more depressed if anything, in the aense that it is like I am wasting your time. 

Life right now is at possibly one of its lowest points for a magnitude of random irrational reasons. I’d rather not go over the obvious like college and depression in general, though some new things have arisen. My mother got scammed, her bank account temporarily frozen, meaning that she’s had to borrow my money on occasion. I myself have no money, or very little of it. Probably because I bought someone an easter egg that’s on my twitter I believe if you were somewhat curious, along with just buying needless crap like that I guess. So, when I can’t give my mother money because I’ve wasted it all, it’s all just ugh. I can’t even sleep properly since nightmares/nightterrors exist. Part of the reason I’m writing this is actually because I’m too scared to sleep. I’d explain the dream but it’s personal and I wouldn’t tell anyone, so sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had more than five hours sleep. Loads of people hate me once more, so thats always entertaining. I don’t even want the holidays to come because I have an uncanny ability to guess when I’m going to be most depressed, and I’ve not gotten it wrong yet. This Friday is going to be the worst, Saturday probably coming close. When I say the worst, I really mean the worst and im genuinely scared of certain days in the future because of this new found ability of being able to predict my emotions based on upcoming events. Graphics is in on Friday too, so everything is going to be amplified to be worse, along with my maths test and computing test this week. Already been set 20+ hours of homework for Easter,  and that’s just maths and I know I’m going to be set more for maths because why the hell would life be made easy. I miss Amy. I miss nina. Just ugh

I promised someone that I would go to bed soon so I’ll just leave. This was intended to be a happy post but I’ve already ruined that possibility. I wouldn’t bother reading this should probably be the title if it wasn’t so anti-clickbait to where it becomes clickbait. I hope you’re good, reader. If you’re not then hugs. Hugs anyway for reading this. 

Thanks for reading

 : : Ruby  ❤ : : 

2735

“When I first joined this company and I had two screens, people were like aww ooh someone’s fancy, and then now everyone has two screens.  So now I have six. So fuck you all. ”

Probably isn’t one of their most known quotes, but it still describes them pretty well. It was said by Monty Oum, probably most well known for RWBY, the anime show by Rooster Teeth. In short, though it never should be, he was an inspiration, and it was a shame that he passed away a few years ago.

Monty was always known for his efficiency whilst working at the company, as pointed out in the quote. He was one of the first few people to have multiple monitors within the company and they inspired the people around them to also be efficient. It’s commented upon that he was known for always having so many things going on at once, where he would be watching something on one monitor and creating something on the other. Even then, he was bound to have been working on seven different projects all at once.

It wasn’t only the multiple monitors that people decided to copy him on, as this was probably going to happen anyway since the uprising of technology. One of his quirks was at the microwave. He discovered that typing in 1:00 required 3 button presses, 1 0 and 0. Because of this, they started to do 0:60, as this was just 6 and 0 and gave the same effect. You’d think that it would stop there, but they went further. They did 0:55, so that it was the same button being pressed, thus raising the total efficiency by that fraction of a second.

Image result for monty oum signature

This is their signature. Even when you look at this, efficiency is showed, where the O is being used for both situations where it occurs in their name.

There are loads of tribute videos or writings or whatever out there, it’s worth looking at those if you’re interested. There isn’t really much I could say that would show how cool Monty was. He’s a great inspiration.

Love you Monty.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

When Your Best Friend Gets You A Fidget Cube

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*puck*

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*ting*

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Fuck I dropped it.

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I need to go shower, yet part of me wants to take it with me. I need help.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :

 

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CAUTION :: WET FLOOR

Remember that job I said I had? Well, that’s gone already.

When it came down to it, I would have been making less than minimum wage, and missing out on seeing someone who I would have probably quit any job for. I still feel bad, though. It’s fairly rare to see people proud of me, so I take what I can get. My mother was really happy, my aunt bought me some shoes to celebrate (she’s a clothes person, don’t ask), my cousin came around and congratulated me, my brother seemed happy about it too and… Yeah.

It’s starting to build up again, though.

Earlier today in Graphics, my teacher came to me doing their usual “Oh, so let’s see how far you’ve gotten even though I already know you’ve done absolutely nothing so I’m going to antagonise you about it” and swinging weirdly happily over to me, and I guess I sort of amazed them a bit, as this was on my screen.

Torii4.png

No-one had questioned why it was there, as everyone had assumed that it was just some artist research I was doing, though little did anyone realise that along with this image I had the entire process of how I made it, where I explained all the different programs I used, and how I was able to make all of it. By the time I was done, everyone in the class had basically gathered around my computer looking at my screen.

In total, this is around 20-30 hours work maybe, given that I had to learn how to use the majority of the software within that time, along with experiment with ways in which to convert or display or whatever. I struggle to have an opinion on stuff, but some people like Charlotte and Joe and whoever were effectively saying that it was insanely professional and that alone basically guaranteed me a great mark if I carried on using it for my final poster.

When my cousin saw an earlier product than this, he was still amazed, given that he had shown me how to use it literally the day before and I had already modelled so much stuff with it, though granted I was up for most of the night doing that when I probably shouldn’t have been.

If I had to form an opinion on it, though, I would probably just say “yay”. It made people be amazed and happy, and it made me happy that I impressed them. T’was nice.

Besides from that, though, I am doing really bad in Graphics, as this is really only one poster out of three, no matter how good it looks. I’ve been in a horrible mood all week alongside this, for some personal reasons and such. The job thing certainly doesn’t help. Today I just feel pissed off. Partly the reason I am writing this is to make me try and feel better I suppose. Tomorrow, I’m going to feel even worse. It’s all just so uuuuuuuuuuugh.

But from an outsiders point of view, I guess I’m pretty fine. I’m really happy with how my Graphics poster is going along, even if there are two more I need to do.

Thanks for reading

: : Ruby ❤ : :